I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
