I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize