i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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