I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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