I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
