I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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