His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
