Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
