I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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