Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
