When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
