i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
