I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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