This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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