i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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