I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
