Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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