Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
