phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
