You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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