So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
