The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
