I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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