Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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