I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
