Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
