I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
