sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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