I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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