Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
