I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
