I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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