if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
