im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
