Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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