btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
