I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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