We won't sleep together?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
