i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
