We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
