Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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