I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
