I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
