UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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