I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
