Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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