maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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