You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
