im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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