it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
