please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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