worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh god it's open bar.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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