I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
