Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
