He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
