very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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