Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
