hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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