Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
