im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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