Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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