I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
