I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize