I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
