The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
