Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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